Making friends after 35 abroad: why is it so hard in Valencia?

Because after 35, the natural chances to make friends (school, university, first jobs) have mostly gone, and moving abroad strips away, all at once, the things that used to make up for it: the language, the unspoken social codes, an existing professional network, family within reach. It is not about personality or effort. It is a phenomenon well documented by sociologists, and the good news is that several international and francophone networks in Valencia exist precisely to break the isolation.

The short version: what should you remember?

Past student life, adult friendship loses the three conditions that once made it easy (proximity, repeated unplanned interactions, and a setting that lowers your guard), according to sociologist Rebecca Adams. A close friendship takes, on average, more than 200 hours of shared time to solidify, according to a study by Professor Jeffrey Hall (University of Kansas, 2018). Among expats, 12% cite difficult social integration among their top three challenges, according to a FemmExpat survey, and nearly one expat in four believes loneliness can compromise the success of their time abroad, according to InterNations' Expat Insider survey. In Valencia, networks such as InterNations meetups, Meetup interest groups and francophone associations are there to help.

Why is adult friendship already harder, even without moving abroad?

Because the three conditions that make friendship almost automatic fade away in adult life. According to Rebecca Adams, professor of sociology and gerontology at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, quoted by Slate.fr, a lasting bond needs geographical proximity, repeated and unplanned interactions, and a setting that nudges you to let your guard down and confide. School and university brought those three ingredients together almost by accident. Adult working and family life does not recreate them on its own.

Another useful marker to take the pressure off: according to a study by Professor Jeffrey Hall (University of Kansas, 2018), it takes on average more than 200 hours of shared time for a friendship to become genuinely close. So it is no accident that new adult friendships are slow to deepen, wherever you live. Realising that is already half the battle: slowness is not failure, it is the rule.

What does moving abroad add on top of that?

It removes, in one move, all the anchors that partly offset this natural difficulty elsewhere: the language, the implicit social codes, an established professional network, extended family close by. According to a FemmExpat survey, 12% of expats cite difficult social integration among their top three challenges, and loneliness lands very unevenly: it hits women, single people and those without local employment hardest. According to InterNations' Expat Insider 2024 survey, run with more than 12,500 expats across 174 countries, difficulty making friends and a perceived lack of local warmth are among the main drivers of dissatisfaction. An earlier edition (Expat Insider 2019, Business) went further: nearly one expat in four believes loneliness can compromise the success of their stay abroad.

Is it really about age, or mostly about circumstances?

The two combine, but circumstances weigh more than age itself. In France, before any thought of leaving, the Fondation de France noted in its 2023 annual study that 12% of French people over 15 live in total isolation, and that 83% of isolated people suffer from it. Moving abroad does not create the difficulty of making friends after 35: it intensifies it by removing your usual social crutches all at once, such as long-known colleagues, a stable neighbourhood and family nearby. Understanding that spares you an unfair verdict on your own social skills. For a framework, see our guide to your first 90 days in Valencia.

Which networks help you meet people in Valencia?

Several local structures exist specifically to break the isolation, from a simple welcome coffee to regular involvement in a club. The point is not to try everything, but to pick one or two and return often enough to build up those shared hours.

To dig into the community side, see also our piece on how to find your community in Valencia. A local Spanish friendship and an expat friendship play different roles, and cutting yourself off from either one usually slows integration.

How long does it actually take to feel integrated?

There is no universal timeline, but the research gives a useful order of magnitude. If a close friendship already needs more than 200 hours of shared time in normal conditions, according to Jeffrey Hall, it is realistic to expect several months, or more than a year in an expat context. The most effective lever is not to pile up one-off encounters, but to build regular points of contact: a weekly class, a sports group, a club. Those are what push the shared-hours counter up, and that counter is what a lasting friendship is built on.

Frequently asked questions about making friends after 35 abroad

Is it normal to feel lonely even as a couple or with family in Valencia?
Yes, expat networks report it often. Having a partner or children does not replace a friendship circle of your own, and the burden of the social bond often rests on a single person in the household. It is not a sign of personal failure, but a known effect of social uprooting.

Should I focus on expat friendships or local Spanish ones?
Both play a different, complementary role. Expat friendships offer immediate understanding of what moving abroad feels like, while local friendships root you more deeply in the country's culture and language over time. Sticking to only one of the two communities tends to slow overall integration.

How long on average does it take to make a real friend abroad?
There is no single figure, but research on adult friendship points to more than 200 hours of shared time for a bond to solidify, according to Jeffrey Hall's study. Abroad, that time usually builds over several months through regular meetups rather than isolated encounters.

Are there women-only groups in Valencia?
Yes, several networks such as FemmExpat are aimed specifically at francophone expat women, with resources focused on social and professional integration. Other, more general local groups remain open to women and men alike.

Sources (facts cross-checked and rewritten, never copied): Slate.fr (Rebecca Adams' research on adult friendship), conjointsexpatries.com (Jeffrey Hall's study on the time a friendship needs, InterNations Expat Insider survey, Fondation de France data), FemmExpat (socialising as an expat, network for francophone women), and official sites for local welcome networks. Consulted in July 2026.

Information verified in July 2026. If feelings of isolation become hard to live with day to day, talking to a health professional or a local support group can help; several of the resources listed here also point towards that kind of support. This article was prepared with the help of AI, then cross-checked, verified and edited by our newsroom, which takes editorial responsibility for it.